Tuesday, January 23, 2018

The Worst Horror Movies of 2017

Every year has its clunkers and cheap knockoffs (those awful Netflix queue cloggers) but this list reserved for the films that should have been better given the talent involved. They are well produced, have decent actors, and some production value yet they fall so miserably short whether it's terrible scripts, direction or bland or muddled stories. Here's my list of 2017's biggest disappointments. 

1. Alien: Covenant
The Alien franchise turnover it's schlockiest entry than plays more like a slasher flick than a sci-fi odyssey. It also happens to be a tangent story rather than a direct follow up to Prometheus which makes for a very confusing time for fans. Misguided and generic, it seems to be a... remake? reimagining? regurgitation? ... of much better Alien films.

2. It Comes at Night
Hailed as a harrowing experience, it was disappointing how little the film offered. With no character or plot development it was impossible to feel anything for the proceedings and the sense of mild gloom overwhelmed any tension or fright. Instead lingering shots of the woods, a red door, a dog, random strangers, and fabricated atmosphere was left to tell the tale of some possible plague. I  don't need everything explained but this was unnecessarily vague and I was disconnected the entire time.

3. The Dark Tower
I've only read the first book in the series, and apparently, this film was a random amalgamation of several books. That explains the nonsensical story, unexplained bits, and general rushed feeling. I had a friend explain the broad strokes of the books and it sounds fascinating – completely impossible to encapsulate into one film. Why they tried to do this makes no sense at all.

4. A Cure for Wellness
It's a stunning film to look at as every shot is carefully composed to reveal shapes, colors and a mood murkier than the questionable water. It unfurls nefariously but absolutely pointlessly wanting desperately to be a Gothic mystery. At 2 1/2 hours long, I wondered why nothing much was happening and I kept drifting like the snow on the Swiss Alps.

5. The Mummy
You know what doesn't belong in the Universal's Dark Universe? Tom Cruise. Why couldn't they just make it SCARY instead of bland, humorless, action adventure nonsense? Kudos for making the villain a woman, but then you give her a terrible origin story. Ugh.

6. XX
This was the first all-female directed horror film and the results were just meh. It befell the anthology curse where some segments are stronger than others, but here I kept waiting for one strong entry. I so wanted to like this and while I admire the concept, the execution is lackluster. And as much as I love St. Vincent (Masseduction is the album of the year), Anne Erin Clark must never be let behind a camera again.

7. Death Note
The fascinating concept of a death god is given the white wash treatment, and ends up being much too episodic for its own good. It plays like a Golden Girls-style clip show with bits and pieces that were mildly interesting but disjointed. It also features a highly unlikable cast devoid of any chemistry whatsoever. Maybe they were drawn that way?

8. Rings
Samara comes out of retirement to be studied and copied digitally. Unfortunately, the girl from the creepy tape no longer feels relevant and this really poor installment firmly puts the cover on the well for good.

9. We Are The Flesh
This extreme Mexican cocktail of lurid sex, incest, and cannibalism begets nothing but frustration and is a pointless endeavor more akin to porn than horror. Cited as boundary-pushing by Dread Central and my love for indie filmmaking made we watch this dreck that's best avoided.

10. Life
With a strong cast led by Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Reynolds, one would expect this evil life form running amok a scientific space station to reveal something mind-blowing. It is competently produced and well-acted but follows the beats of a much better films. Less than halfway through, you realize how unoriginal it is, see the ending coming, realize it's so painfully forgettable and then– wait, what was I talking about?


OTHER CONTENDERS
Based on reviews from other sites these films are also stinkers and I doubt will ever see them. Please note the quantity of sequels and remakes. If I'm wrong, please let me know in the comments below.

Jigsaw, Leatherface, Amityville: Awakening, Jeepers Creepers III, Friend Request, Flatliners, The Bye-Bye Man, 47 Meters Down, Wish Upon, and Eloise.





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